Do we want to live alone?
Do we want to live alone?
To be lonely does not mean to be a loser. A solo life is much freer and simpler than a couple life fraught with conflicts and difficulties. So, those who think so do not need a serious relationship?Man among people.
The arguments of those who prefer solo life are, at first glance, quite convincing. But what do they really mean?
I myself
“I have achieved something in my life, I make good money, I can provide everyone with both myself and my daughter. So why do I need a husband, one asks? - exclaims the 39-year-old Polin. “Just for the status of a married lady?” This is yesterday, patriarchal views are outdated. I don’t need either the head of the family who will command me, or the weakling who will depend on me. ”
Many modern women can repeat the same words. We have become independent, firmly on our feet and feel confident in life - why should we put on a family “collar”? Quite enough pleasant, non-binding novels, and a child, if we decide to have one, can be raised without a partner.
So the whole thing is our self-sufficiency?
“It’s more correct to talk about economic self-sufficiency,” says a psycho-therapist. - Indeed, the union of two is most often no longer a way of joint survival, as it was before. But if we talk about self-sufficiency in everything, then we make some kind of substitution. We still need a close person nearby. Indeed, one of our basic needs is the need for intimacy. We need to get an emotional response, support, understanding. ”
It can be argued that for this it is enough to have good friends. This is not so, explains. No matter how valuable and important friendship is, it cannot fill this niche, in friendships there is not that high level of intimacy that only close relations with a partner give and which is very important for us.
"Real" men and "real" women
“Strong relationship? With whom?! No one to look at! Real men, it seems, have withered out, says the daughter of my friend, 33-year-old Veronica. “Mom thinks so.” However, men do not remain in debt, arguing in the same spirit about the disappearance of real women.
It turns out that once there were “real” ones, and new generations suddenly massively became “worse quality”. How to explain this? “The reason is that we have lost clear guidelines,” Olga thinks. - Earlier, in Soviet times, there were stable and very unequivocal ideas about what “should” be a marriage and, accordingly, what “should” be a man and a woman. Now this old model is clearly not working. ”
But what then to be, what to focus on? Which of the many options is “correct”?
Instead of listening to themselves, many are confused at the ready-made templates that abound in TV shows, television shows, and popular media. Someone is studying the commandments of Verdict wives, someone is attending courses of real men / women.
But it turns out that neither ourselves nor potential partners match these patterns. “If we try to rely on clues, not seeing how stilted they are, not applicable to a living person, then we are even more distant from ourselves, from understanding who we are and what kind of partner we need,” the psychiatrist therapist says. Then, of course, disappointment is inevitable here.
Permanent happiness
Love is not eternal, a dull household routine in a few years kills all romance, and then why even start a serious relationship? This is another argument of those who do not seek a lasting alliance.
“For such fears, I hear something else:“ for some reason I feel bad in close relationships ”or“ I don’t know how to build relationships and choose a partner, ”Olga Mityagina comments. - Perhaps the roots should be sought in childhood, when the child for some reason did not form a secure attachment. Or that the previous partnerships were very traumatic. ”
Each time, it’s more frightening to open to another, because there is a risk of experiencing pain again.
Arguments against serious relationships have one thing in common: they help protect against heartache
“Now the idea that happiness is a kind of permanent state is literally spread in the air. And if we do not feel it every minute, then something is wrong with the relationship. But is a relationship just about joy? But what about “in grief and joy, in wealth and poverty, in illness and in health”? If we are ready to accept only the positive part of this formula, but do not want to see the rest, this, of course, is evidence of infantile. ”
Blank protection
No matter how different all these arguments against a serious relationship may be, they have one thing in common: they help protect yourself from heartache, the parapsychologist believes. For some reason, I felt bad, I don’t believe that I can be fine, and I’d better not try it again. But since it is too hard to admit, I am building up a psychological defense that helps me somehow survive it.
Another question is how reliable this protection is. Psychoanalyst Eric Erickson once proposed a theory of personality development. His idea was that throughout life we face the objective tasks of development. One of them, he considered gaining intimacy with another person,
“If we don’t perform any task, it will still“ font ”in our life, arouse alarm in us. So, someone can assure that he does not need an intimate relationship, because his life is already saturated to the limit. But his hectic life is just a way to remove this alarm. ”
Are there happy alliances?
Perhaps we dare to admit to ourselves that life alone is still not our way. What do we do with this discovery?
“First of all, learn to recognize yourself,” says Olga . - Start with questions to myself: who am I, what do I want from myself, what do I want from my partner, how do I see him and our relations? It is better to answer them in writing and after a while re-read, catch the contradictions, inaccuracies, deal with them. This stage of understanding yourself is very important. The ability to be close with another comes when we gain our identity. ” Then we will not be afraid to lose ourselves in a relationship.
And yet, what kind of couple can be called happy, despite the fact that happiness, as we already understood, is not a permanent state?
“It seems to me that this is a union of two mature, self-sufficient people who know and respect their borders and the borders of the other, united by some common goal and ready to go towards it together,” Olga answers. - They know how to live together natural crises, without which life together is not complete, and retain a desire to be together. They are always interesting to each other and continue to discover new things in each other. After all, both our partner and ourselves change every day.
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