“I'm not a feminist”: why is this word so scary (and in vain)

“I'm not a feminist”: why is this word so scary (and in vain)

In the comments to any relatively balanced text about feminism, equality and women's issues, one can often find phrases like: “I don’t consider myself a feminist, but I absolutely agree ...”. And this is surprising: if you agree, you are a feminist - so why don't you want to call yourself that?
Man among people

Eminem is an inclusive and broad movement, why is it so important for many women to emphasize their non-belonging to it, despite the actual commonality of views and values? I thought and highlighted four main reasons.

Lack of awareness and negative associations

Unfortunately, the feminist movement is still surrounded by a whole set of myths with which most women refuse to identify. Feminism is associated with hatred of men, external attractiveness, aggressiveness and masculinity. Feminists are accused of a senseless struggle with windmills and far-fetched problems ("here in the old days there was feminism, they fought for the right to vote, but now what, stupidity alone").

They just give them something to prohibit, abolish or smear with menstrual blood. Not without the help of the media, the image of feminists took root in the public mind as ugly, evil freaks with sexual problems who dream of banning men and single-highhandedly rule the world. And it is not surprising that women who are not familiar closely with the real feminist movement and its representatives do not want to be associated with this “abusive word”.

Reluctance to feel like a victim

In any discussion about the oppression of women, the phrases “I have never encountered such a thing”, “no one oppresses me”, “this is a contrived problem” regularly appear. Women argue that they have never encountered patriarchal structures, that in their life this has not been, is not and never will be.

And this is not surprising. Recognizing the existence of oppression, we simultaneously acknowledge our oppressed position, the position of the weak, the victim. And who wants to be a victim? The recognition of oppression also means acceptance of the fact that we can influence far from everything in our life, not everything is in our control zone.

Our closest people, partners, fathers, brothers, male friends, are in completely different positions in this hierarchical pyramid

The position “no one oppresses me” returns illusory control to the woman’s hands: I’m not weak, I’m not a victim, I’m just doing everything right, and those who are experiencing difficulties most likely just did something wrong. This is very easy to understand, because the fear of losing control and recognizing one's own vulnerability is one of the deepest human fears.

Moreover, recognizing ourselves as a weak link in a certain structure and hierarchy, we are forced to face another unpleasant fact. Namely, with the fact that our closest people, partners, fathers, brothers, male friends, are in other positions in this hierarchical pyramid. That they often abuse it, live off our resource, get more with less effort. And at the same time remain our loved ones. This is a difficult thought that requires a long reflection and rarely causes a storm of positive feelings.

Unwillingness to label and fear rejection

Finally, the last reason why women do not want to call themselves feminists is their reluctance or inability to fit the whole complex of their views into one narrow cell. Many reflective women perceive their worldview not as an established set of views, but rather as a process, and they are suspicious of any labels and artificial ideological categories. To label themselves, even as proud as the “feminist,” means for them to reduce their complex and “fluid” frame of reference to a certain ideology and thus limit their development.

In this dark forest it is easy to get lost and pass for “some kind of wrong feminist who makes the wrong feminism”

This category often includes women who would love to call themselves feminists, but who are lost in the endless branches of our wide movement and are afraid to take an extra step so as not to incur thunder, lightning and accusations of improper feminism.

The directions of feminism, often at war with each other, are uncountable, and in this dark forest it is easy to get lost and pass for “some kind of wrong feminist who makes the wrong feminism”. It is because of the fear of rejection, the fear of not fitting into a social group or incurring the wrath of yesterday's like-minded people that many people find it difficult to put on themselves the label “feminist” and bear it with pride.

Each of these reasons, of course, is quite respectful, and every woman has every right to determine and name her own system of views, choose a side or refuse this choice. But you know what's the funniest thing about this? That this right of choice was given to us by none other than feminists.
Women are afraid that feminism will bring them even more responsibilities and even more “emasculate” men

On the shelf of myths, you can put another small, but important factor. Many women are sure that feminists are fighting for women to voluntarily and forcibly become independent and strong, a kind of “men in skirts,” go down into the slaughter, raise the sleeper and carry it. “But where else can we sleep, if we already have a job and a second shift at home and with children? We want flowers, a dress and the opportunity to dream that a handsome prince will come and we can at least relax a little on his strong shoulder, ”they object quite rationally.

Women are afraid that feminism will bring them even more responsibilities and even more “emasculate” men, destroying at the root of all the real earners and defenders, whose potential existence rests with all hope. And this thought leads us to the next point.

Fear of losing existing, albeit minimal, privileges

Being a woman is always difficult. But there is a ghostly recipe for success in the patriarchal paradigm that a woman promises paradise on earth (a house is a full bowl, a man is a breadwinner and a well-fed life) if she jumps higher and can meet a long list of social expectations.

As a child, we learn: if you play by the rules, be quiet, sweet and comfortable, look good, don’t be aggressive, take care, endure, don’t wear too defiant clothes, smile, laugh at jokes and put all your energy into “women's” affairs - You can draw out a lucky ticket. If you are lucky, all the horrors of the female share will bypass you, and as a prize you will receive encouragement from society and, most importantly, male approval.

Therefore, to call yourself a feminist is to abandon the starting place in the race for the title of “good girl”. After all, to be her is to be uncomfortable. A feminist position, on the one hand, opens up opportunities for personal growth in a supportive sisterhood, and on the other hand, it closes many other doors, for example, it drastically narrows the choice of possible partners (as well as, for example, cultural products that you can use without slight nausea), often public condemnation and other difficulties.

Calling yourself a feminist, you lose that illusory chance to become a "good girl", a chance for a minimal, but reward.

Reluctance to feel like a victim

In any discussion about the oppression of women, the phrases “I have never encountered such a thing”, “no one oppresses me”, “this is a contrived problem” regularly appear. Women argue that they have never encountered patriarchal structures, that in their life this has not been, is not and never will be.

And this is not surprising. Recognizing the existence of oppression, we simultaneously acknowledge our oppressed position, the position of the weak, the victim. And who wants to be a victim? The recognition of oppression also means acceptance of the fact that we can influence far from everything in our life, not everything is in our control zone.

Our closest people, partners, fathers, brothers, male friends, are in completely different positions in this hierarchical pyramid

The position “no one oppresses me” returns illusory control to the woman’s hands: I’m not weak, I’m not a victim, I’m just doing everything right, and those who are experiencing difficulties most likely just did something wrong. This is very easy to understand, because the fear of losing control and recognizing one's own vulnerability is one of the deepest human fears.

Moreover, recognizing ourselves as a weak link in a certain structure and hierarchy, we are forced to face another unpleasant fact. Namely, with the fact that our closest people, partners, fathers, brothers, male friends, are in other positions in this hierarchical pyramid. That they often abuse it, live off our resource, get more with less effort. And at the same time remain our loved ones. This is a difficult thought that requires a long reflection and rarely causes a storm of positive feelings.

Unwillingness to label and fear rejection

Finally, the last reason why women do not want to call themselves feminists is their reluctance or inability to fit the whole complex of their views into one narrow cell. Many reflective women perceive their worldview not as an established set of views, but rather as a process, and they are suspicious of any labels and artificial ideological categories. To label themselves, even as proud as the “feminist,” means for them to reduce their complex and “fluid” frame of reference to a certain ideology and thus limit their development.

In this dark forest it is easy to get lost and pass for “some kind of wrong feminist who makes the wrong feminism”

This category often includes women who would love to call themselves feminists, but who are lost in the endless branches of our wide movement and are afraid to take an extra step so as not to incur thunder, lightning and accusations of improper feminism.

The directions of feminism, often at war with each other, are uncountable, and in this dark forest it is easy to get lost and pass for “some kind of wrong feminist who makes the wrong feminism”. It is because of the fear of rejection, the fear of not fitting into a social group or incurring the wrath of yesterday's like-minded people that many people find it difficult to put on themselves the label “feminist” and bear it with pride.

Each of these reasons, of course, is quite respectful, and every woman has every right to determine and name her own system of views, choose a side or refuse this choice. But you know what's the funniest thing about this? That this right of choice was given to us by none other than feminists.